Leaning in anyway

During one of my mental whirlwinds, I landed on blogging again and purchased this space… back in July 2025. I did what I typically do when I get excited about something that once brought me joy—I took that first step and secured it, telling myself I’d start once I settled on what I even wanted this blog to be.

And then I fell back into my normal routine and let the dream sit… untouched.

In between securing the space and today, I’ve thought of 748 different things I could write—yet the writing never happened. Outside of my personal journal, and even that was few and far between.

I’ve morphed the idea into 831 different versions of what it could be… without ever letting it be anything at all.

Until now.

In the past couple of months, my spirit has been restless. My body has been restless too—not sleeping, getting sick regularly (I don’t do sick), and dealing with stomach issues for no clear reason.

I started spending more time with God—listening, noticing confirmations that kept showing up, and gathering as much evidence as I could to prove to my mind that it was time to step out on faith. There were moments where I felt the excitement build again…but I still wasn’t doing anything to move this dream out of my mind.

My heart was ready.
My soul was ready.
But my mind stood firm on, “Nah, we not doing that,” unwilling to step into what it could not control.

I started a Bible study and began noting verses centered on His promises. Somewhere in that process—when I was honest with God, and subsequently myself—I realized something deeper was there.

That realization led me to something else: I needed to start embracing the darkness in that corner of my mind.

Not avoiding it or rushing past it, but actually sitting with it.
Not to stay there—but just for a moment.

To fully acknowledge it.
To understand it.

To recognize the parts of myself that feel uncertain, hidden, or resistant—and stop pretending they don’t exist.

And even with all of that—

I’m leaning in anyway.

I choose to be obedient, because God promises that when I trust Him, I will have perfect peace.

You will keep in perfect peace

    all who trust in you,

    all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

             Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)

I had to be open, and willing to release some stuff in order to help my thoughts stay fixed on God. I wandered a twisty, turning path into the depths of my mind, searching for all the little pieces that represented past versions of me—the ones that somehow survived self-medication… therapy… church… yoga.

Those pieces stayed in that dark corner, and it was time to embrace them— to begin integrating the “lil me” with the me I’m becoming.

Finally, after months of waiting, I finally moved another step beyond listening.